The simplest walk , in the friendliest town
And that life-long ache returns to me
A river walk ought to be a pleasant thing
That darkening notion folds around my tightened muscles
Every rustling leaf makes the sound of a blown out candle
Every thought unfolded goes numbingly rigid
Goodness and happiness I see everywhere
Why is that pair averse to my presence?
Even trees as big as these cannot protect me
My demons have arrived, and they are never shy
I broaden my shoulders and extend out my chest
I will smile sincerely at every passer-by
They’ve no notion of the hurricanes’ eye beneath
I repeat every trained truth I can muster
I know. But I can’t believe that right now
It’s paralysis of the heart — a repeat offender
I feel like my body will shatter into pieces
My jaw is tight, and my shoulders tense
The only footsteps I can hear,
That walk right next to mine,
Are the echoing claps of my own feet
Striking this concrete path
This green grass park and a picnic table
My heart thumps like a compound headache
My eyes are searching desperately the surrounding area
Maybe one more smile will help me to hang on
Even my library book ostracizes me
I am trapped in this dichotomy of comfort and emptiness
I need to go, but my body is severely dense
I am genuinely fearful I will come unglued
“BREATHE!” I command myself. My eyes begin to well
My hands begin to shake.
Chills run through my nimble body
With the wind’s taunting caress
Hand-in-hand. Hand-in-hand. Hand-in-hand.
Them. And them. And them.
“Hold your own hand.
The park has emptied.
You are completely alone.”
Perpetual anguish. A near panic attack
Dreams are bullshit. Hopes are concrete boots.
I’m back. There was a brief moment. But
I’m back to doing things because that’s what people do
I’ve aged another year and died another death
My demons disperse. Only long enough
For me to think I survived. That I’m okay
But they will be back….they promise
Salida, CO ¦¦ August 28, 2018
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